"I am not worthy of love."
Jun 17, 2023I started my last blog post with the line, "I don't know what I want right now when it comes to sex, love, dating, and relationships. What is next? Where do I go from here?".
And I don't have those answers yet.
But instead, I am balls deep in the discovery of finding them.
I set the goal to share a follow-up blog highlighting my process of discovering what I truly want next, and I've been avoiding writing it like the plague.
Why!?
Well, it's a question I continued to ask myself as the days kept passing and I realized... it's because of my limiting belief that I am not worthy of love, or worthy of being chosen. Which got super fucking activated throughout the entirety of getting a divorce.
How could I sit and write about the love I want if a part of me is still struggling to TRULY and genuinely believe I am worthy of it?
Despite what my ex-husband might say his reason is for 'leaving me', my reality and experience of our divorce is real.
He straight up asked for a divorce in the same moment that he told me he was in love with one of his friends. A few weeks later, he told me that he would consider staying married to me if I allowed them to date.
My stance was that I wanted her completely out of both of our lives (temporarily) so that we could repair the trust that was broken and ensure the security of our marriage.
We wanted different things and there was no changing either one of our minds on what we both felt that we needed. (Did he NEED to date her? Probably not, but there's no going back now.)
It was really challenging for me as a 35-year-old woman coming into the start of aging, to accept my 40-year-old husband was choosing to prioritize, leave me for, and love a 25-year-old woman over me.
Was this my real life?
What was wrong with me?
Was I not worth fighting for? Loving?
It felt like something from the fucking movies... "an older man leaves his wife for a younger woman."
This sent me into a spiral of questioning my worth, in which all of my childhood wounds arose to the surface.
A part of being human is experiencing trauma as a child and then spending the rest of your adult life trying to resolve that trauma.
We all experience this in different ways, but we do all experience this ππ»
The traumas we endure shape us and can continue to shape the experience we have of our present reality too. My traumas left me with a wound that I will continuously be unpacking and working on, that: "I am not worthy."
Things happen and subconsciously we build up 'evidence' to prove that what we believe is THE truth. Without realizing we are doing it, this can be a very dangerous place to be. Little or big things (like my divorce) can trigger these stories and impact us on a deep level.
*Trigger β warning: I share some details of my life that may be challenging for some to read.
My 'evidence':
- My mother was an alcoholic and drug addict before getting pregnant with me, and afterwards got postpartum depression which sent her even deeper into coping with these substances. She was never the same after that and every time she chose drugs/alcohol over me- it killed me.
- Under the influence of drugs, my mother left me alone with one of her boyfriends (who used to beat her, rape her and her friends, force drugs on others, etc.) and he raped me. I felt abandoned, and of course, I was a child so I didn't fully understand what had happened. I experienced pain and most certainly didn't feel loved.
- My father ended up getting full custody of me because of all of this, and he was young at the time. So, in his mind, I needed a mother figure. Which, encouraged him to get married/settle down rather quickly with 2 women after my mom who abused the shit out of me. BOTH would straight up tell me that I wasn't worthy of love and did some unthinkable acts towards me when I was still a child.
- Our parents go through their own traumas too, and my father went through a big one that caused him to avoid conflict (or my stepmothers abusing me, for example) for a long time. It was easier for him and his nervous system to go into another room or turn on a video game than to get involved. Needless to say, every time he did that- this also killed me.
- My grandfather molested me when I was 12 and my entire family told me not to tell anyone (aka the police), and instead were mad AT ME for using my voice (or trying to). This made me feel not valued or loved. This happening was a turning point for me and my extended family, as I felt like an outcast and rejected by them from this point on.
- Starting with my high school sweetheart, I have been cheated on 5 times. Enough said there.
- Then, my divorce.
This is all the big evidence, ya know the traumas that cut me deep to my core- not including the small things that can happen everywhere in between to continue to validate my story that 'I am not worthy of love'.
Ooof, that was a lot.
Deep breaths... π¨
Limiting beliefs arise because our ego is trying to protect us, but the reality is that other people's behaviors are a reflection of their own wounds and how they feel about themselves.
So now as I am approaching 36 this year, I've sat with the thoughts, 'Well, maybe I'm not meant to find love. Maybe I'm not worthy of love, or being loved.'
Ever since I was a child, my biggest dream has been to fall deeply and unabashedly in love with another human. I am a romantic at heart. I even created a new story that all of this pain will be 'worth it' if my dreams come true. Making my worthiness solely dependent upon finding this one and only true love π
No pressure.
I hadn't stopped to think about the possibility of my dreams not coming true until I got divorced. What happens if I don't find the love I am looking for? Is that even a reality that I should consider? How do I realistically move forward here?
To heal a limiting belief, we need to create a list of new evidence that disproves the old story.
You see, if you read my last blog post then you will know that I was subconsciously putting myself into situations in which men were not fully choosing me, as a way to continue to self-sabotage myself. After time passed and healing was had, I remembered that I needed to choose myself first and that I am solely responsible for my life, emotions, and happiness.
Yes, traumas happen and they fucking suck. Even growing, learning, and resolving those traumas may not be pretty either BUT...
Once in adulthood, we can no longer blame others for OUR trauma. Our trauma is ours and the only person it impacts is US. It is solely our responsibility to choose how and if we allow it to continue to impact the present.
I know that my limiting belief exists and I could feel its tug each time I cried about my ex-husband or in the relationships I had after him. Knowing it is the first step. Acknowledgment.
One of the practices that helped me heal the most from my divorce was feeling it all. I allowed myself to go into the dark spaces and truly feel the pain so that I could release it.
Whenever we do that, it is necessary to resource afterward. To tend to oneself, and make sure that our nervous systems get an opportunity to rest and replenish.
All of that said, there's no right or wrong way to heal, or do any of this shit. Though, I thank my lucky stars that I just so happen to be a life coach and have a bountiful tool belt to source from when it comes to emotional processing, trauma healing, and self-love.
Speaking of loving myself... I may or may not be on a tangent to 'avoid' the new list of evidence π
Say it with me now:
I am worthy.
I am worthy of love.
I am loved.
My new 'evidence':
- My father is always there for me, he happily picks up an extra amount of emotional weight as both my mother and father because no one else knows what I've truly experienced with her, other than him (since he's experienced it 1st hand too). It doesn't matter if I call in the middle of the night or the afternoon 9/10 he is answering that phone. He also was willing to have hard conversations with me regarding my childhood and we got to unpack a lot- together. I will forever be grateful to experience the level of love that he has given me and will continue to give me. (I'm not crying, you're crying!)
- On a spiritual level, I know that my mom loves me and I know she knows that I love her. Our humans haven't been able to figure out alignment yet, but I feel that and know it is true.
- The friends that have continued to show up in unimaginable ways to support me through my divorce, and then some- FUCK. I can't tell you how many times I have cried in sheer gratitude for these humans. You know who you are π€ They love me so much!
- My bosses are the coolest and they tell me they love me pretty much every time we get off of a meeting, I mean, who else has a BOSS that does that?! I am loved.
- Every message and sweet reflection that I receive of thanks, appreciation, and support shows me that I am loved, appreciated, and worthy of receiving love.
- I take time out of my day EVERY SINGLE DAY to do something for myself to show myself that I am loved, whether it is a walk, going to the gym, making a raw juice, throwing on a face mask, completing a self-pleasure practice, or twerking to one of my favorite songs so I can feel pure bliss and joy for even a few minutes- I love myself y'all.
- The dates I have been on recently have unlocked a new level of hope in my heart. Hope that love IS possible, hope in dating again, and hope that I can and will find someone who loves me for me. Hope that there are men out there who will value me, treat me how I deserve to be treated, and are open to meeting me... all of me. And that feels so fucking good π
Pro-tip: Receiving love is something that I have continued to struggle with, because as outlined above- I didn't really learn how to do that as a child. So, as an adult, I got to intentionally work on it. You can do this too, by pausing when you receive love (a compliment, message, memory that surfaces, whatever), taking a deep breath, and allowing yourself to receive it fully. Imagine this love penetrating your aura, your body, your heart. Let it in and give it an honorary moment. Even when I am physically with others, I will say out loud 'I receive' and take my moment to do just that.
Ok, so I'm healed now, right!? Lol π
I wish it was that easy, healing takes time and consistency. No one else is going to do this work for you- only you can.
And by you, I realize that I am talking to myself here.
Healing from a major life transition like a divorce takes time, and there is no measure to how long it truly takes for each individual.
What I can say is this:
I can continue my healing journey AND date with a heart wide open.
I can continue to process emotions as they arise AND build new feelings for someone else.
I can get triggered by something from my past AND be fully present in the now.
I can be a divorcée AND find love again.
The biggest takeaways so far are to love myself first and foremost, and no matter what I am looking for next- I get to embody those attributes. For example, if I want my next partner to prioritize their health, I need to prioritize my health. And if I want them to communicate well, then I get to practice healthy communication.
The differentiation for me to look at now is: what do I want in a partner that I am dating versus what do I want in a partner that I would spend the rest of my life with?
Because those 2 things could be different.
They can also align.
So where are they different and where do they overlap?
Although I know in my heart it is my truest desire, I am not quite ready to envision the rest of my life with someone again and I am choosing to honor whatever process I need.
This is my first summer single since getting a divorce and I am allowing myself to experience it all, feel it all, learn to love again, and to have so much fun.
After all, I deserve it because I am fucking worthy!
I will follow my heart.
Listen to my gut and my pussy.
And be open to all of the lessons that are here for me.
So if I happen to find my next partner OR an amazing human to date on my way to him, I'm available for that.
I love love and I am HERE FOR IT.
But most of all, I am here for me.
If you're interested in taking more responsibility for yourself, your happiness, and yourΒ romantic life- I am here for it and will happily guide you towards your goals...
Stay connected with news and updates!
Don't worry, I won't spam or bore you!