Break-Ups & Dating Post-Divorce

For last few years I have been visioning and planning a life with my now ex-husband. That plan no longer exists, the dreams we had of our shared future are dead, and the path before me has completely shifted. I am instead alone, and rediscovering who I am and what MY dreams are. What is my ideal relationship at this time? Will it be open, poly, or monogamous? Where will I live? How do I want to spend my time? Will I get married again? Do I even want that? The truth is- I get to create anything that I want! There's another little voice that lives inside my head that is super fucking excited about what is next, is so relieved that I am where I am right now, and appreciates the space to find my truth.

It's like a blank slate or a redo.

Since my separation, I have been in what can only be described as a gentle, free fall. I haven't intentionally gone out of my way to date someone or pursue something serious, because I didn't trust that I was ready to. Though I am the kind of person who lives life with a heart wide open and I will not give up on true love for myself- divorcee and all.

The men that just-so-happened to come into my life were perfect for me, at the time in which they showed up. They were exactly what I needed for that part of my healing journey (which I'll share more about below).

I'll start from the beginning.

I'm kinky AF.

And so was my ex-husband.

We were married and in a relationship, but then inside of that relationship we had lots of other relationships. These relationships were a variety of different kink dynamics. The top ones were: Baby and Daddy, Rope Bunny and Rigger, Brat and Brat Tamer, and in general- Dominant and Submissive.

When we got a divorce, I didn't just lose my husband and that relationship, but I lost all of our other relationships too.

Whether or not you're familiar with the world of kink, you should be able to follow along. Just in case though- here are some definitions for context.

Back to the first man I dated after my divorce. He truly healed a part of my heart that needed tending but it was now time for him to return home to his primary partner, as his job here was complete. This is when things started to shift between us.

He expressed that he wanted to keep me in his life and make trips down here to see me and have me come up to see him. It was something we talked about a lot while we shared time together because we both enjoyed each other's company so much and poly-style relationships can take many forms. So, why couldn't we possibly create our own? At this point, I was unsure if I wanted to engage in a relationship that was polyamorous. The main fear for me was that, what if I met someone else who wasn't open to that and in the meantime, I continued to develop feelings for him? How would I navigate that? Was it worth it? Was I even ready for something like this? Either way, the next step would be for me to meet his primary partner.

Emotionally and intuitively, I knew I wasn't ready for this meeting but I thought- the worst thing that could happen is I could have 2 new vegan friends in another state and have more experience in poly-style dating. After some long conversations with him about my hesitations, I made the decision to meet them both for a casual dinner.

You're right... bad decision.

Anxiety overcame my body and I could barely hold a meaningful conversation. It was one of the more awkward experiences I've ever had. I hardly heard from him over the next few weeks, and when I finally received a phone call he 'broke up' with me because his primary partner had decided they didn't like me and didn't want us to date.

Ouch.

This rejection held a lot more weight than I wanted it to because I was still processing the pain of my divorce. It was challenging for me to tease apart what pain I felt from my divorce and what pain I felt from the ending of this relationship. There were a couple of contributing factors to my internal confusion:

• My husband left me for another woman, and my experience here was that someone else was being prioritized over me- again.
• There was no fighting for me.
• I trusted this man with my heart, because of the depth of conversations we shared he knew how vulnerable I was...and I didn't think for one second that it would end so abruptly. Same thing with my husband, I obviously didn't think we'd ever divorce and I trusted him with my heart.

Since the 'break up', there has been a lot of back and forth with this man. Every few months he'll reach out to tell me he still cares about me, thinks about me, and wants to explore things with me. Yet at the same time, I barely hear from him. I find it hard to trust that I am truly cared about when I am not even being spoken to regularly.

If a man is interested, he will show interest. Period.

Remember this last bit as I continue to share with you about the second man I 'dated' but didn't 'date' post-divorce. You guessed it, it was a good ol' situationship. One of our dating culture's favorite ways to experience one another romantically 😅 Kiddinggggg, it fucking sucks and we all know it.

It started as a possible one-night stand, and to this day he says, "It was the best night of his life." Our bodies were speaking to one another so naturally and organically. We were able to give and receive touch exactly the way each of us desired it. Intimacy and passion were the foundations of our connection, and being into the same kinky shit in the bedroom was the icing on the cake.

Chef's kiss, babes. He is the best lover I've had up until this point- bar none.

He reached out in very thoughtful ways over the next few weeks and I am ashamed to admit it, but I ghosted him. The next time I got to see him in person, I immediately apologized and explained I was going through a divorce and didn't know what I wanted/needed moving forward.

It was a slow burn and over time we started to see each other a little bit more and then a little bit more. Each time having mind-blowing sex. A lot of 'situationships' are a result of some good sex, which was definitely true in this circumstance. However, it was SO MUCH MORE than that. We shared deep intimacy, had a lot in common, and spent a lot of quality time together.

At first, I really enjoyed that we didn't talk every day because this felt very healthy. Throughout the entirety of our time together, we sometimes didn't talk for days or weeks at a time. Over the course of many months, we went on multiple trips together, bought each other Christmas and birthday presents, met each other's friends/family, etc.

The more time we spent together the more confusing this relationship dynamic became.

Situationships are confusing because there is no clarity on what is next or what is presently happening, yet both people are still choosing to stay in the unknown.

I did my due diligence, y'all. I attempted to have conversations with him about his feelings and mine, and what we both wanted- many times. In my opinion, not being clear with yourself, the other person, and the universe can be disempowering. The thing is, is that he was here temporarily too. A repeat of the last man. In the beginning, we agreed to allow things to be exactly as they were and simply enjoy each other's company while he was here. Again, I felt safe pursuing him because of this, plus, he was giving me the best gift: the ability to experience safety and pleasure in my body while having sex.

In my marriage, there were a lot of intimate moments that fucked me up. For example, my ex-husband would get mad at me for being 'tense' during sex and often blamed my sexual abuse as the reason for our problems inside the bedroom. There was a lot of pressure to perform a specific way and a specific number of times a week, and if I didn't- he was upset with me.

My ex-husband also lied A LOT about who he was with and how he was spending his time (only when it was with other women). I tried to be understanding, compassionate, and ‘conscious’ about it all because he had not had a ‘conscious’ or safe relationship in which he could be truthful—before me. I met him where he was at. I forgave. I trusted. Again and again, lie after lie. I didn’t feel safe, but somehow I was still supposed to engage sexually with him.

When a woman doesn't feel safe emotionally, she is not able to surrender fully sexually.

The situationship showed me what it felt like to surrender, receive, and experience deeper levels of intimacy in a really sexy way. I got to feel safe during sex in my body again, which was exactly what I needed to be shown.

After some time had passed, I noticed similarities between my situationship and the first man I dated after my divorce:

• They were both scheduled to leave the area, so that gave me the freedom to explore the connections deeply without fear
• The safety of 'it not turning into something serious' was a lie I told myself because I am a very loving and intentional person who loves love (who was I kidding?!)
• Both of these relationships helped me heal emotionally, physically, sexually, and mentally- as they were exactly what I needed at the time they showed up
• Regular and consistent communication didn't happen and this activated my core wound of not being valued
• Both of these relationships contributed to me playing out my personal wounding stories that I wasn't good enough, valuable, or worthy of being 'chosen'

That last one though- ooof.

In each of these circumstances, there were many many many moments where I questioned why I wasn't being communicated with. After the situationship experience, I realized what was happening.

It was me.

I was putting myself into situations (literally) to play out the story that I wasn't worthy enough to be 'chosen'.

Ex-husband: Chose a 25-year-old woman over me.

Guy #1 didn't choose me, he didn't fight for me, he very easily let me go.

Guy #2 didn't choose me, he had plenty of opportunities to, and he let me go seemingly without an emotional challenge to do so.

This might be a little edgy to share, but to be honest- I felt love for both of these men. I was never in an exclusive relationship with either of them, and it wasn't something that was even considered in either circumstance. But I did love them.

This is another moment in writing all of this in which guilt or shame is arising because I am imagining people to judge me or question me. Was I just transferring love from my ex-husband to them? Maybe. Maybe not. How could I feel that way about them? What does that say about me as a woman? As a relationships coach? As a lover? As an ex-wife?

Did I feel guilty about dating people shortly after our divorce? Yes and no. Despite what you might hear from him, my ex-husband left me for another woman, who he is still seeing to this day. I can't begin to tell you the amount of pain and questioning of my worthiness that this fact alone brought up for me, during my divorce process. I wanted to date people and put myself out there, and start to heal these parts of me that needed attention and love.

Make no mistake, I spent a lot of time alone giving myself attention and love too. I love big. I love hard. I love openly and freely. I am not scared of love. I am not scared of pain. I desire to feel intimacy and connection (as we all do). I allowed myself to dive deep into presence, into intimacy, and into each blessed experience that crossed my path. If I am going to share time with someone romantically, I am going to go all in with my love. Be it a situationship, a temporary experience, a learning experience, whatever- because that is who I am.

When you show up big in love and full-heartedly, that means that there is a chance of pain and heartbreak. And oh my- did I also feel heartbreak.

It was strange to feel heartbroken from relationships after the ending of one of the most important relationships of my life. I found myself comparing the pain and judging myself for even feeling pain at all.

How could this breakup hurt? It isn't even comparable to the hurt I felt from my divorce. Can I even feel this pain after feeling such depths of despair and grief? It is wrong to feel heartbreak from another man?

No break-up is too small and every emotion that I have is valid. It makes sense that I felt pain because I was allowing myself to be all of me with each man. I showed up authentically, no matter what that looked like. I honored myself, my feelings, my desires, my body, and my heart.

It's ok that these relationships didn't 'work out', because I still showed the fuck up for them while showing up for myself.

Whether the container of a relationship is 7 years or 7 days- the ending of it can still hurt. Who are we to judge each other or ourselves for what we feel? The purpose is to feel it, not judge it.

So how do I feel now?

I feel nervous as hell to hit post on this blog. I am scared of repercussions from my ex-husband as he has been harassing me and my friends every time I post anything about my experience. I am proud of myself for setting the goal to share this and doing exactly that. I am even more proud of myself with how I've handled each date, man, and 'break-up' that I've experienced since my divorce. I feel excited for what is next and eager to experience more of life's blessings.

Where am I now?

I am aware that I have been free-falling and I'm starting to look around for a safe landing or something solid that I can hold onto. What does that mean? Well, I am still not intentionally pursuing anyone and I have no fucking idea what kind of relationship I truly want post-divorce, but I think I'm finally ready to start to take a look at that.

Am I dating or signing men off altogether?

I love men, so no. However, I am no longer willing to accept the lack of communication. I have no dates presently lined up, and while I am open to dating... I recognize that 'dating' gets to look differently than it has so far moving forward. AND that's on me.

I am responsible for my happiness. I am responsible for my life. I am responsible for my pain.