To any woman who is immediately triggered by this title,

I chose the title “I don’t want your man” for two main reasons. One, because it is the absolute truth, and two, I purposefully wanted to grab your attention.

Now that you are here, thank you for being here.

And thank you for allowing yourself to be curious enough- to be here.

If you have ever felt threatened, intimidated, jealous, or maybe even just simply uncomfortable with my presence being near or around your man, or if you have ever felt any of the things listed above with any other woman- I highly recommend reading this blog from start to finish.

Please know that my sole intention in sharing here today- is to serve. You and I are not alone in this because many women can relate to us, BOTH.

It feels important to say that, this blog post wasn’t inspired by one particular person or scenario. It is inspired by multiple exchanges, honestly throughout the entirety of my adult life.

I really hope you stick around to the end.

If you continue to read this, know that I will speak from more than one standpoint…

...as a fellow woman.

...and as a relationships coach.

Lastly, it was never my intention to cause you pain of any kind, believe me, this is painful, triggering, and uncomfortable for me too. 

With love,

Serena Rose

Now would be a good time to take a deep breath to reset your energy and relax your mind and body before continuing to read.

When I share with others the very real pain that I feel when this type of situation has played out, there are a few common responses that I get:

• “Who cares?”
• “Why do you care what they think?”
• “Take it as a compliment.”
• “They are just insecure or something- it’s not you, it’s them.”

To the response: “They are just insecure or something- it’s not you, it’s them.”

While it is true that it could have nothing to do with me, that doesn’t take away or change the very real pain I just described.

I can’t begin to tell you the number of looks, side eyes, and/or helicoptering that women can do when I am walking by, having a conversation with, or perhaps even cracking a polite smile at their man.

Call it judgment.

Maybe insecurity.

Or lack of trust in their partner.

I can empathize and understand all of these things as possibilities.

AND again, I am a human that has my own human reactions and responses, too.

This hurts me on sooooooo many levels.

I am left to feel judged, rejected, and at times even exiled.

For what?

A low-cut shirt?

Friendly smile?

Conversation?

Naturally big boobs?

Maybe it’s because I share about sex online?

Have an OnlyFans page?

Or is it just because I am seemingly attractive?

This is, of course, me speculating- because I am ❌ not ❌ you and I don’t know what the reason is.

To the response: “Take it as a compliment.”

No.

To me, this is not a ‘compliment’ at all. However, logically I can see how one gets here (because it means they think I’m pretty, etc.).

While that *may work and feel supportive to some women, it just isn’t at all to me.

> I < think I’m pretty.

I get told I’m pretty (and more) by others almost every day.

I don’t need another ‘compliment’, especially one that is backhanded and has the power to bring pain with it.

I don’t want another woman to feel pain by me simply existing.

I don’t want her to feel pain at all.

In these moments, I really want to hug you.

To tell you that you can trust me.

That I don’t want your man.

That I support YOU.

However, with the possibility of emotions like anger and/or jealousy being present, it is challenging to gauge if you'd respond well to my approach or if it could make things worse.

I’ve done both (approached and not approached).

It’s mixed results.

To the response: “Why do you care what they think?” or “Who cares?”

I FUCKING CARE.

I care because this entire scenario fucking sucks for everyone involved, and I believe in the possibility of shifting it.

I care because I believe the world is a better place when women support other women.

I care because I want women to heal the deep wounds and traumas we have inflicted on one another historically, generationally, and collectively.

I care because I want a world where it is okay to be safe in your own body, confident in your own body, where you can wear whatever the fuck you want to wear, and not be judged or shamed for it.

I care because I am Sex, Love, Dating, and Relationships Coach. (If it’s a trust issue, it can be resolved. If you feel insecure or maybe threatened, it doesn't have to be that way. There are options for growth and healing here.)

I am a girl's girl, if you just have a conversation with me you’d know quickly that, that shit would never fucking happen (me trying to steal your man). There are many reasons why you would ❌ never ❌ catch me wanting your man:

• He’s taken…plain and simple. 
• I am 36 fucking years old- I want my own man. Why would I waste my precious time chasing after someone who is already spoken for?
• I'm divorced and in case you don't know what happened, he left me for a younger woman. I was also previously engaged to another man who cheated on me and got the other woman pregnant. Both of these experiences were dark, painful, and traumatic. I've been left for another woman- twice. I'm not going to do that to anyone because I know how shitty it is, firsthand.
• Typically, I tend to shy away from men who are recently out of a relationship or divorced, and who are presently separated. There are always exceptions but this is a blanket orange flag for myself from myself. If this exists- why would I knowingly pursue someone else's man? I don't want it.
• When I said I am a girl's girl, I meant it. Chances are if you see me talking to your man, I'd probably prefer to be talking to you!

• I respect and honor boundaries. This kinda comes with the territory of being a Sex, Love, Dating, and Relationships Coach. 

• I'm a Sex, Love, Dating, and Relationships Coach! Why the fuck would I behave like that? It's not very 'relationship coach' of me to want or pursue someone else's man.

This is like the other side of pretty girl privilege...

An already uncomfortable topic that most people avoid talking about, but here we are.

Instead of praise and advancements, I'm judged, get dirty looks, and more.

Just because of how I look, what I am wearing, or the very large breasts that god gave me (and I didn't even choose to have).

No one enjoys being judged or talked about, because it doesn't feel good.

I recognize, however, that people are always going to talk and pass judgment. You could even be judging me right now.

And that's okay.

I learned a long time ago that some of the most controversial experiences are the most universal.

You can't change what people think, do, or say- only how you respond to it.

I will happily put myself out there and speak to the topic of pretty girl privilege or the social cons of having ridiculously large breasts, because if someone else is having a similar journey- they will feel less alone.

And sometimes this journey feels very alone. Especially, this part. Women don't always speak to me because they feel threatened, men don't approach me because they are not confident enough, and here I am craving to be accepted and loved as I am because I am not defined by my looks. None of us are.

I am getting older now and with aging (ideally) comes a deeper sense of acceptance and love of self. Some days more than others.

Let me tell you about a few recent lonely moments I had...

There's a guy in the town I live in who is going through a divorce, who's super spiritual, and into astrology, and I saw him a handful of times- each time having a great conversation about one of the things listed here. One night I was telling him about this astrology book that I have, and I asked if he wanted to swing by my place to see it (no hidden innuendoes, y'all). He immediately said no, and continued to tell me it was because he didn't think he could contain himself, trust himself, he wanted to still work on his marriage, he was attracted to me, blah blah blah.

I said ok, and immediately left.

I was shook.

I didn't know he felt that way.

I NEVER got or gave those vibes off.

And I thought I was pursuing a potential friendship with someone who had similar interests/life experiences.

I'll put it to you like this, if he would have 'made a move', it would've been a hard no for me.

I was just so happy to make a friend in town who was into the same things as me.

Instead of a shared experience of astrology and wisdom with a new, possible friend- I came home and cried.

Like on the floor, heaving type of cry. 

Not because I was inherently hurt by this man, but rather I was tired of being 'rejected' because I am pretty or attractive.

He didn't want to be my friend because of this. And we have never spoken again.

Allowing myself to fully feel what was there was needed, and incredibly supportive to me at that time.

Another one...

I'm at a music festival and I see 2 men.

1 of which I know personally, (think I) am friends with and see often and 1 I don't know.

They are sitting off to the side of the festival and playing acoustic guitar in nature, and it looks so relaxing and peaceful.

So, I approach. Say hi. And ask if I can sit and listen to them for a couple of minutes.

The one I know immediately says no and proceeds to tell me that it is because his wife would not be happy to see me sitting there.

Mind you, I've never met her and am under the impression that I am friends with this artist.

On one hand, respect for being honest and vulnerable and sharing that, as he could have just said no or lied.

I appreciate that courage and shared this reflection with him, too.

On the other hand, ouch.

I thought we were friends and here I am being shunned away- for what? My looks? Distrust between them?

Who knows, either way- I still had my own pain arise.

Because this is a pattern that shows up often in my life.

One that I don't talk about openly, often, or with that many people for fear of being judged.

And one that has some built-up pain and resentments (for me).

As I walked away, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes- not again.

Luckily, I had other friends around me, so I went up to one of my besties and shared what had happened. They validated my feelings and gave me a big, long hug. Which is exactly what I needed.

Loveeee.

This blog post is part of my healing process because I know I am not the only woman who has felt this way- on BOTH sides of the equation...

I've been the jealous woman before too! The last time I remember truly feeling jealousy was towards the woman my ex-husband inevitably left me for. However, I could argue that my feelings of jealousy were extremely valid- given the circumstances.

This did cause me to become weary of other women in his presence because of a lack of trust.

I did my best during the times jealousy arose to communicate what I needed, and while sometimes it landed, sometimes the jealousy overshadowed the whole conversation and it didn't.

No human is perfect and whichever role you relate to, please know, that everything you feel is okay.

It is okay to feel things.

It's what you do with those feelings that matters the most.

The only way to get through something and to the other side of it- is through. And when it comes to emotions, that means to feel it.

We can't heal from something if we are too busy judging it.

I know it is not always enjoyable to feel certain things, talk about certain things, or even think about certain things.

The alternative, however, is to suffer.

So, feel your fucking feelings.

Have the hard conversations.

Cry.

Scream.

Journal.

Punch a fucking pillow pretending it's someone else's face if you need to.

As soon as I accepted the possibility of separation or divorce, I hired a coach. Multiple throughout the entire process, actually. I knew that I wouldn't be able to support myself alone, and I struggled with guilt from leaning on friends/family too much. Plus, I wanted to make sure I genuinely healed.

I wanted to divorce the 'right' way.

Live life the right way.

And do my absolute best to enjoy the journey amidst one of the most challenging experiences of my life.

The one thing we should all be investing in is learning how to improve and live our best possible life. NO MATTER WHAT. Because what the fuck else are we doing.

This most certainly wasn't the first coach or therapist that I've invested in. I am very pro-doing what you need to do for your mental and emotional health. And one of the most impactful investments I've ever made was to explore and deepen in my sexual development.

I'm going to share one of the exercises from one of the programs I did because it seems fitting and supportive of this subject matter:

Imagine what it would be like to open your relationship. This doesn't mean you have to or ever will, but simply thinking about or journaling about it can teach you so much...

What thoughts come up?

What emotions?

What sensations are present?

What stories? 

What is your biggest fear?

One thing I love about the poly lifestyle is how it can push the edges of personal growth and show you exactly where your shadows are when it comes to sex, love, dating, and relationships.

Especially (as you can easily imagine), when it comes to one of the most uncomfortable and unpredictable feelings to feel: Jealousy.

When or if jealousy shows up, you have an unmet need.

Take a moment to continue to reflect:

What need do you have that is NOT being met?

How does this make you feel?

What would you rather feel instead?

What do you need for that to happen?

What do you need to feel safe and/or secure?

What needs to shift or change for you to feel safe and/or secure? 

Listen, I am not saying that THE PROBLEM is that you are jealous, insecure, or need better trust and communication in your romantic partnership. Again, I am not you and I don't know what your process is. I AM sharing things based on my personal experiences and the knowledge I have as an expert in this field. 

So, what can we do collectively to shift this dynamic from playing out?

If you're the girlfriend or partner...

• Take a closer look at your discomfort- what emotions can be felt and processed?
• Have the hard conversations with your partner: share your experience, name what is present, and ask for support or what you need.
  • "I noticed I was feeling jealous this evening..."
  • "What triggered me was...I think because of [this experience]..."
  • "This made me feel..."
  • "The thoughts that surface are..."
  • "A need I have that isn't being met is..."
  • "This is what I need to heal..."
  • "Are you open to supporting me with this?"
  • "Next time, I would love if..."
• Compliment the woman or speak to her. Sometimes this can alleviate the tension altogether, sometimes not. But it’s worth a try because it is better than sitting in pain, suffering, or tension. And if you feel this way towards or about me, let this be your official invitation to reach out or speak to me directly. Let's heal this wound, babe.

If you're the boyfriend or other part of the partnership...

• Don’t cheat or lie. I don't feel like I should have to explain why here. 
• Speak up if you notice your partner might be feeling uncomfortable, it is your role to be the provider, and protector, and to provide safety.
  • "I noticed a shift in how you are [holding yourself, speaking, showing up, behaving, etc.] and wanted to check-in. Specifically, I am curious if you're uncomfortable with [person, conversation, etc.]...Are you?"
  • "What do you need right now to feel safe?"
• Introduce your girl to the other woman. Not because you feel like you have to but because if you’re vibing with her, chances are your partner might too. Not from a place of frantic anxiety or fear, but from an intentional and genuine space of love and connection.

If you're me or the 'other woman'...

• Stay positive and give yourself what you need because as much as I despise this statement, it more than likely does have nothing to do with you.
• What you feel is valid, give your feelings the validity that they so need, by feeling them. This could look like journaling, writing letters to the other persons directly (for you to heal not for them to read), screaming, crying, or moving the emotions through your body so you’re not holding onto them anymore.
• If possible, wave, smile, or acknowledge the partner or girlfriend. Depending on the conversation and circumstances, you could even say something like, “Where is your girlfriend? I’d love to meet her!”

I'll be honest you guys, at this point in my life- I am so fucking sick and tired of this happening. I just want us to do better. To love each other.

Life is so fucking hard enough on its own without projecting our own shit onto other people.

Can we please take responsibility for our emotions, experiences, and relationships?

And if you don't know how- that's why people like me exist in this world (Sex, Love, Dating, and Relationship Coaches).

It doesn't have to be me- I know a TON of other therapists and coaches that I would highly recommend. In fact, to make it super easy on you, here are my top 3 choices:

• Women's Coaching: @levelup_with_rachel
• Couples Coaching: @loveintentionally.co
• Men's Coaching: @pats_presence

If you're not ready for a full-blown coaching container but are ready for change- DOWNLOAD THIS. It will help you start the hard conversations and support a healthy, sustainable partnership moving forward.

Take all of the reflective questions from this post to your journal- it's a starting point that will be incredibly serving to you. 

You deserve to feel safe.

You deserve a love that feels safe.

We all do.

So, in case you were wondering- I most certainly DO NOT want your man.

I do want to be able to be myself.

I want to be able to express myself.

To feel safe in my body.

To be kind to others (by having conversations with them) without receiving the death glare.

I want to accept my breasts fully and not have to worry about making other people uncomfortable with them.

I want women to hype me up and I- them.

I want us all to love each other.

To support each other.

To lift one another up.

Practice compassion and empathy.

Feel our feelings.

Smile and share love freely.

A big, unreasonable ask- I know.

But maybe this share helped shift or change even one person's outlook, and for that- I am at deeper peace.